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5 tricks from the white collar criminal’s cheat sheet

A look at the Desi White Collar Criminal Club's cheat sheet, all based on real people and incidents.

Last Updated: Oct 13, 2019, 08.48 PM IST|Original: Oct 13, 2019, 01.06 PM IST
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Even before law enforcement comes knocking, the canny advance planner drops a million or two to get a permanent residency in sunny Caribbean.
(This story originally appeared in on Oct 13, 2019)
A sudden spate of arrests, probes and passport impoundings has left members of the DWCCC (Desi White Collar Criminal Club) — who thought they were legit because they came wrapped up in designer labels and bought their way into Bollywood-on-Instagram — quaking in their Choos. Apna time gayaa, is the new rap. But the savvy scammer has his ways of avoiding the not-very-long arm of the taxman. A look at the DWCC’s cheat sheet, all based on real people and incidents past, present and future.

Even before law enforcement comes knocking, the canny advance planner drops a million or two to get a permanent residency in sunny Caribbean or a welcoming Mediterranean island like Malta. Most of them don’t have residency requirements and the foreign resident status means the stash is safe abroad. And if the cops do swarm his house (or scale walls), the person is nowhere to be found. That leaves them to chase the bank managers who sanctioned those bottomless loans.

The illiterate driver and children’s nanny are made directors in the company so that the money is secure with them in the event he gets caught. The staffers are vaguely aware that they are part of sahib’s weird jugaad but they have been bribed into submission.

Kids are packed off to boarding schools abroad, and sometimes, the DWCC legally divorces the wifey so that he can safely transfer assets to her name. (No more Karva Chauth parties.) He may also transfer all his money into a trust with the aging widowed mother as beneficiary.

The family sends the yacht to be docked in the Middle East to keep it from being impounded, and disposes of the private jet. The big fat cars are replaced with luxe taxis (so look out for the Merc SUV with yellow number plates). Or, in some cases, the cars belonged to that shell company which has suddenly evaporated.

In an extreme case, the DWCC might even fake death and bribe local crematorium staffers to issue a fake death certificate before he disappears for a few years. If all else fails, there will be the ghost-written biography about life in prison.

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