To blame or not to blame: Boris Johnson's dilemma has left Dr D without a solution
Johnson wanted to know how to explain the recent fracas at home.
Dear Dr D,
I am 55 and the father of five children. My girlfriend is 31. I will become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in a few days. In fact, I had begun ironing out my suit and tie for the swearing-in (which, in our nation, happens with a bow to Her Majesty) when this story broke:
“Police were called to the home of Boris Johnson and his partner, Carrie Symonds, in the early hours of Friday morning after neighbours heard a loud altercation involving screaming, shouting and banging. The argument could be heard outside the property where the potential future Prime Minister is living with Symonds, a former Conservative party head of press. A neighbour told The Guardian they heard a woman screaming followed by ‘slamming and banging’. At one point, Symonds could be heard telling Johnson to ‘get off me’ and ‘get out of my house’ and ‘Get off my f*****g laptop’.”
I have not yet addressed the issue with the media, and wanted to know your thoughts about how should I explain the fracas. Should I say:
a) She was preparing me for the Brexit negotiations with the European Union, and “get off me” and “get out of my house” were lines in anticipation of the unpleasantness to come?
b) That her television/radio set was loud, and while this was a family drama, it was not mine, but rather from a fiction?
c) That she was making things spicy and heating the relationship up before getting down to some serious making-up?
Any other ideas?
Uxbridge, South Ruislip, 10 Downing
Dear Mr Johnson,
I have no advice for you. But looking at your options and how you can only think of blaming her, I can say that you have all that it takes to make a successful politician and prime minister.
*STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.